new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
