Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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