My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
