Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
