This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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