My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
