there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
