I can tuck mytits in my pants
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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