If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
