He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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