how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
