You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
drinking out of a sandbucket again
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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