Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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