if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
