I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
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she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
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We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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