I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
