Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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