69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
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My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
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My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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