my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
