We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
