apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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