There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
