You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
