I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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