the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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