I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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