he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
