and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
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At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
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Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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