My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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