I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
