If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
