It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
