chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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