wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
