The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
