In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
