We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
