Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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