I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
