Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
