Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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