i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
