I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
