Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
