By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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