I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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