last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
