Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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