I have demons in me.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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