Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I want a musical about memes.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
