Jerry, you need to find god
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
