"it" just moved
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
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I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
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After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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