i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
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Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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