He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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