Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
