im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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