I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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